PLAY YOUR GAME “RIGHT NOW!”

Life throws its curve balls.

My 10-year old son’s little league team recently came face-to-face with their first loss in a double elimination play-off series. Having been in first place all season they knew they had the skills, but their overconfidence and wandering focus led them to defeat. The team was devastated and tears were flowing.

My heart was aching for the boys, and they were scheduled to play the very next night with their freshly bruised pride. So I did the only thing I could think of. I emailed their coach and ask him if he would allow me to talk with the boys for just 5 minutes before the game, to which he replied “They’re all yours.”

With 10 minutes to go before game time, the coach had the boys take a knee and give me their attention. They even removed their hats. I held a baseball in my downturned hand and ask them to focus and clap the minute they saw it leave my hand. One, two, three balls dropped to the ground in varying intervals as the boys focused and clapped. Before I dropped the fourth ball I looked down and said “Wait. Why aren’t you clapping for the balls on the ground?”

“Because they fell already. They’re not going anywhere!” they yelled.

“Exactly!” I said.

My message to them was that baseball is a game that keeps moving, and in order to win their focus needs to be in the RIGHT NOW. Comparing the dropped baseballs to bad pitches, strike outs, flubbed throws and catches, I was able to illustrate that once those things happen, they are over in an instant and part of the past. If they chose to focus on those mistakes, beat themselves up and live in the past, they were taking themselves out of the game that was happening RIGHT NOW.

“How many team players are there on the field at once?” I asked.

“Nine!”

“So if one of you is living in the past because of a mistake, how many people are playing in the RIGHT NOW?”

“Eight!”

“Then if more than one player takes himself out mentally at the same time, you’re playing pretty short handed out there.”

They agreed.

“If you strike out tonight, walk a batter, make a bad throw, or make an out…you must stay in the RIGHT NOW! Stay in the game. Your team needs 9 players on the field at every minute. Stay focused on WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THE RIGHT NOW!! Then ask yourself “WHAT’S NEXT?” and do it. The game is not going to stop to give you time to beat yourself up. Beat yourself up after the game if you must, but don’t leave your team short-handed in the middle of the game by taking yourself out mentally.”

They got it. They were pumped and ready to start the game. The coach called them to the huddle for his usual “What time is it?!” cry, to which the kids always yell back “Game Time!” This time to his surprise (and frankly, mine too), they all yelled back “RIGHT NOW!”

They played their hearts out. They were focused. They encouraged each other. And when things didn’t go exactly as expected, I reminded them from the stands “It’s happening RIGHT NOW guys!” and they quickly recovered.

The game had an entirely different energy than the night before. They won 11-4. But they took home a lot more than the win.

Life is like baseball. It keeps moving no matter what just happened. You can live in the past and beat yourself up for the things that didn’t go as expected, or you can stay focused, live in the RIGHT NOW, ask yourself WHAT’S NEXT?, and savor the sweet victories it has to offer.

How are you going to play your game?

Batter Up!

Life Is Fun

LIFE IS FUN!!!  Wouldn’t you agree?

The word FUN speaks for itself and rarely requires definition or interpretation. Nearly everybody likes to have fun. But did you know that fun has a serious side and is actually good for you? I’m not kidding!

One of the main by-products of fun is laughter.  When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins – natural feel-good chemicals – into your blood stream, or what I lovingly refer to as “free drugs.” Not only does a big belly-laugh make you feel good physically, there is evidence to show that laughing also helps you heal faster and can aid in the prevention of certain medical conditions such as high blood pressure, tense muscles, stress and anxiety which can lead to heart disease and other crappy stuff. As Reader’s Digest says, “Laughter is the best medicine.” So take every opportunity you can to laugh. It may save you from a $200 trip to the doctor and having to wear one of those “open-ended” gowns.  

Beyond the desire to reduce your medical spending, the best reason for making fun a priority in your life is you will mentally feel better. You’ll be more refreshed and able to do the things you want and need to do with ease. You know…that feeling of walking on air or with a spring in your step. You’re thoughts will be more care-free and light. Heck – you might actually look forward to getting out of bed or feel like high-fiving the garbage man!

While it’s agreed that everybody likes to have fun, there are a couple of things that can jam the dial on our fun-o-meters. Aside from the day-to-day pressures of work, family, finances, health issues, or walking in shoes that look great but hurt like hell, the biggest reason people don’t let loose and have fun is because they’re worried what everyone else will think of them. Having fun might cause embarrassment. You may get weird looks or even whispers behind your back. Insecurities fly like skeet at a shooting range. I could more effectively address this issue in detail by writing a blog post about staying in your own business and out of “their” business, and someday I will. But today let me just offer, “SO WHAT? WHO CARES?” It’s not like you’ve been included in their last will and testament! Boogie on with your bad self and get your fun on!

If you’re happy, the people around you will be happy – if they choose to be. If they don’t want to be happy, it’s simply not your problem. Don’t give up your joy to please a Debbie Downer who wants to suck the life out of you. If I cared what people thought of me –I couldn’t possibly have as much fun as I do.

The esteemed Dr. Suess said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” If he weren’t dead, I’d ask if he were taking new patients.

If having more fun sounds like – well, fun…here are three simple ways you can crank up your fun-o-meter starting today:

             1. Dance like nobody’s watching – or like you don’t care if they are. I know it’s hard to believe, but my sons get embarrassed when I pick them up from school and spontaneously break out dancing and singing “All The Single Ladies”. But who do you think gets voted “most fun mom” every year? If the spirit moves you – DANCE!!! Wherever you happen to be. Music is optional.

            2. Speaking of music, the next time you get in your car, crank up the radio and sing at the top of your lungs. Pound your hands on the steering wheel and bang your head to Bohemian Rhapsody, opera, rap, NPR – whatever you happen to be listening to. Continue this action fervently and especially when you’re at a red light. And make sure the people in the car next to you and everyone on the street sees you and shoot ‘em  the big thumbs up and a big smile.

            3. If all else fails – carry a bubble gun. There’s something magic about bubbles that makes you smile and reminds you of fun. The world would be a better and cleaner place if all guns shot soap and made you laugh!

 LIFE IS FUN!!! I invite you to reap the benefits of having more fun starting today. It will keep you happy – which will keep you healthy. It doesn’t matter what other people think (you’re not in their will!) And it’s as easy as dancing, singing, and adding bubbles.

How Are You “Spending” Your Time?

What was the big news story of 2009? (besides Tiger Woods). All together now…THE ECONOMY! The general consensus is it’s bad – it’s really bad. We’ve all heard it, felt it, experienced it, eaten, slept and breathed it. I will be the first to admit that spending habits in this household have certainly changed; sometimes to the point of using what we used to call spare change.

Nevertheless, the beat goes on and we still have to tally-up our spending for year-end tax returns and compare it to our budgets. It’s so…what’s the word here…factual. Black and white. And all that other technical accounting lingo. You had money, you spent it, and here’s where it went. Very visual – all on paper. Well, for most people.

But what about time? Do you ever find yourself asking “where did my time go? I know I had some. I know I did something this year. What did I get for it?”

We talk about time like we talk about money. As a matter of fact, we even say that time is money! We spend time. We budget our time. We invest our time. Time is valuable. You don’t want to waste your time. It’s in the interest of time. Balance your time. If I had a dime for every time I (fill in the blank), I would be rich. Keep track of your time!

Time is valuable to most people. The more we have, the better off we are, and the more we can spend. But the reality is we all have the same amount. No one is richer in time than the next person. We all have 24 hours a day to “spend”. We all get to budget the same 60 minutes in each hour. We all have 60 seconds in a minute to waste.

 So if time is like money, how can we get the most for our minute? How can we work the numbers and turn it into that big payoff – FREE TIME? I’m not an accountant (nor do I play one on TV), but if you apply some General Business lessons from high school you could get a better handle on where you currently spend your time and how to better invest your time in the future. Here are a few tips:

1. Figure out what you want first. What’s most important to you? Do you want more relaxation? Exercise? Education? Intentional work time? Play time? Service time? Whatever it is, prioritize it and remember to make yourself a priority. Write it on paper. Now!
2. Make a time budget. Compare it to last year. Do you want a higher percent or a lower percent on each priority item? Where did you waste time last year that you could spend on a higher priority item? Think of excessive TV, Facebook, and surfing the internet as being in the same category as sitting in front of a slot machine in Vegas; fun at the time, but doesn’t pay out consistently. Sometimes it does pay, but unlike a slot machine you can’t win your time back. Once it’s spent – it’s spent, so budget wisely and stick to your budget. Remember your priorities. (They are yours you know!)
3. Have a plan and track your progress. People who are financially wealthy know where their money is, where it’s going and what it’s doing next. They make adjustments; investing more when needed but backing off when they can coast a little. Do the same with your time. When something is working, stay the course. If it’s not – adjust. Write down what you plan to do every morning and look at your list every night. Did you do what you planned? Did you spend wisely? Did you overspend or underspend? Where? Adjust accordingly for the next day, being mindful of your priorities and your budget.

The financial economy took a left turn and you may be feeling the pinch, or even a bite. You may have less money to work with than you did before. But the one thing you still have the same amount of is time. You can’t buy more time – it’s free. Invest it wisely my friends, then report back on the riches you’re experiencing in your life.

THE POWER OF “WHY?”

What kind of “why” questions do you ask yourself, and how are you acting on the results? You may be smarter than a 5^th grader, but do you conduct research better than a 2 or 3-year old?

“Why?” is a powerful research tool; one highly recommended by the leading 2 and 3 years olds across the world. At 2 and 3, information is innocently gathered with one simple word: “why?” As kids get better at talking, listening and watching other people, their why questions become very specific. “Why do dogs have 4 legs and people only have 2?” “Why do brown cows give white milk?” “Why don’t cars run on orange juice if it’s so good for you?” With no expectation of the outcome, their research doesn’t end with just one why? They dish the why’s repeatedly until they get a satisfactory answer and move forward.

At 4 or 5, why’s are still innocent, but come with brutal honesty: “Why is that lady so fat?” “Why does that man only have one leg?” “Why does my brother look like the mailman?” They don’t bother with social judgment and stop at nothing to get their answers, drilling deeper and deeper with the single-word interrogation.

Eventually they (you) grow up and your why questions usually become more politically correct and socially acceptable – at least when you’re talking out loud and to other people. As adults, you obtain information, make decisions and take action based on the factual answers gathered from your why-based research.

But what kind of why questions do you ask yourself when things in your life are amiss?  Do you ask powerful information-gathering questions you can base decisions on – or are you beating yourself up with negative why questions like these?

“Why am I such a failure?”

“Why can’t I ever get ahead?”

“Why am I so fat? skinny? poor? sick? lonely?”

“Why can’t I be happy?”

Instead of empowering us, questions like these leave us stumped, feeling stuck and even hopeless. Why?… you ask.  Because unlike innocent children, we tend to stop at the first why?  Consciously or not, we know the real answers lie within the why’s that follow, and we’re too afraid to peel back the layers and face what they will reveal. Afraid that if we know the real answers, we will find that WE are ultimately responsible for our negative thoughts and actions. Or afraid that finding the answers will mean things will change, and we may have to take action that we’re not currently comfortable with.

So we just don’t go there. We stop at the first why. We feel stumped, stuck and hopeless, and we don’t move forward.

I challenge you today to step back into child-like innocence. Step away from social judgment or expectation of what your answers will be. Peel back the layers and reveal your truth. Drill down deep with why?.

Why?  Because the real truth is satisfying and will set you free to act on the results and move forward.

Now the real question is “why not?”

You Be the Judge – Because You Are

“OMG! She’s so judgmental!!! I can’t believe she would say that to someone! Who does she think she is?!” You’ve heard something like that before, haven’t you?

I heard it again today and seriously started laughing out loud; even snorted a little. The sheer oxymoronishness of the statement would generally have been enough to send me into hysterics, but the conviction of her nun-like superiority adding “who does she think she is?!” at the end sent my sides to splitting. Who indeed?! 

Ha! I was already judging her!!

Let’s face it, we all judge other people everyday in a million different ways. Go ahead…convince me you don’t judge and I’ll buy that swamp land in Florida from you.

I was taught young that judging is a bad thing. “Judge not lest ye be judged!” was the bible phrase most often thrust upon me with distain. I knew better than talk back or question it, but secretly inside I was asking “aren’t they already judging me by assuming I’m judging someone else?” I think that was the turning point that compelled me to start inventing words like oxymoronishness.

Judging is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing. As a matter of fact, it’s essential if you want to make it in this world. How else would we ever make decisions? Can you imagine the ramifications of a world without judging what we see, hear, taste and smell? How else would we figure out what we want and don’t want? We’d all wear the same clothes, eat the same food, drive the same cars…you get the Stepford picture I’m drawing here, don’t you? Not even the worst criminal offenders would end up behind bars and every contestant in every bikini contest would be a winner. I’m sorry. Call me judgmental, but I’m not ready to go there.

Judging is how we make decisions. Decisions lead to action or inaction. Action or inaction leads to so-called successes or failures. Successes and failures give us information and the opportunity to learn, make the next judgment and move forward. It’s a viciously-delicious cycle.

What is it then that gets people’s panties in a wad when it comes to judgment? It’s the thoughts about the judgment or the people doing the judging, and it’s the feelings that the thoughts bring up.

Example: If Candice has a thought “Susie shouldn’t judge!” it may bring up feelings of insecurity, jealousy, self-righteousness, self-doubt, panic, or a whole slew of other juicy reactions for Candice. It may cause her to avoid Susie, gossip about her, or even shoot her the occasional evil-eye at the PTO meeting. All that time, the thought is bubbling in Candice’s craw like a bleeding ulcer, causing her more and more distress. And all that time, Candice is living the one thing she so fervently declared Susie shouldn’t do. She is judging Susie.

Candice is miserable because her thought is a lie and her heart knows it. The turnaround for Candice here (as taught in The Work of Byron Katie) is “I shouldn’t judge.”  The realization of this truth more than likely will cause Candice to catch her reflection in the windows of her own glass house and soften her judgment of Susie. A hard case of “judge not lest ye be judged…by yourself.”

Everybody judges. We make decisions and take action (or not) based on judgments. But if your judgments about yourself or others are causing you to suffer, it’s time to get to the truth of the matter. Once you take a look at your own thoughts and un-wad your panties, life becomes a much more comfortable place.

But hey, don’t take my word. Judge for yourself.

To Do, To Don’t, Ta-Da!

You wake up in the morning, stretch, feet hit the ground, and immediately your mind starts rolling thoughts of all the things you have to do today. “I have to do the laundry, get the kids to school, pay the bills, and work out. Oh, and I have to take the car in for an oil change, call my broker, put an ad in the paper to sell the dog house, meet my buddies for a drink….” The thoughts come with increasing speed as you pile-on your list. The more you ponder all you have to do, the more overwhelmed you become. And as you become overwhelmed, a new set of thoughts start rolling across your brain…”There’s never any time for me. Nobody cares that I have a life. How did I get myself into all of this? Didn’t I just get done doing all this stuff yesterday? I can’t handle all of this! I’m going to go crazy!! STOP THE MADNESS!!”  Heart pounding, you look at the clock and realize you’ve only been out of bed for 5 minutes. Sound familiar?

I can’t know your exact thoughts, but I have a wild hunch that your next questions are “Why is there so much I have to do? and How can I feel better?” I’m so glad you asked.

My mentor, world renowned author and life coach Martha Beck, taught me the following life changing message:  “There are only two things you have to do in life…be yourself and die. Everything else is a choice.” I live by these words when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my have-to-do list, because they’re true.

I hear your cynical little voices out there. “Be yourself? And die? Everything else is a choice?” Yup. That’s what I’m saying.

You have to be yourself – who else can you be? Even when you’re trying to be someone else by impersonating or imitating – including the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses type of being someone else, you’re actually still you. Even if you’re schizophrenic with 6 personalities, you’re all still you. Granted, sometimes we never find our “true” self for years – or even ever, but we are always who we are. We have to be ourselves. Clear?

Now the die part; and I’m referring to physical death. You were probably going to argue that life is eternal and that we never die, but what I’m talking about is on this earth, our physical bodies are going to die sooner or later. Do you know anyone over 120 years old still bustin’-a-move? I didn’t think so. We have to die.

Everything else we think we have to do is a choice. (Caution: if you are feeling increasing levels of cynicism, put your head between your knees and breathe deeply. Once you’ve centered yourself, read on.)

Let’s take one of the things from the to-do list that you feel beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt you have to do. You don’t have a choice about paying the bills, right? If you don’t pay the bills bad things are going to happen! They may shut off your electricity, repossess your car, foreclose on your house, or you could be sued by the doctors or dentists you owe. Not only could you spend the rest of your life living in a van down by the river – or even jail, there’s that added stigma of everybody judging you. Add to that your self-defeating thoughts of personal failure. You simply have to pay the bills!

To that I offer a resounding “uh-uh. Wrong.” You don’t have to pay the bills. How do I know? Because you just spewed a list of consequences that could happen if you don’t pay the bills, thus proving that the world will not stop turning if you don’t pay the bills. It might not seem as nice as it does right now, but it definitely won’t stop.

Whenever there are consequences, there are choices. Whenever there are choices, there are consequences. In this instance, if you choose to pay the bills, the consequences are positive: your lights stay on, you continue to drive your car and live in your house, and your doctors and dentists get to vacation in the Bahamas. Not to mention the freedom you feel to hold your head high and not be judged. If you choose not to pay the bills, you may want to start staking out a parking spot near the closest public bathroom down by the river given the particular scenario listed above; but even that is only one choice as so many others come to mind.

So, how do you feel better about all the things you have to do? By remembering you have the power to choose the way you feel about the consequences. Instead of saying “I have to pay the bills”, rephrase it to something that sounds more positive like “I’m choosing to pay my bills so I can live the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to”, or “I’m choosing not to live in a van down by the river!” Your have to’s become choose to’s.

That’s the Ta-da! The great thing about making choices as opposed to feeling like you have to do a particular task is it empowers you. It gives you the feeling of being in charge instead of letting your to-do list overwhelm you.

Try these positive choices on for size: I choose to do the laundry because I like it when my family wears clothes (and so do my neighbors!); I choose to drive the kids to school because it is the best option for all of us; I choose to call my mother because I don’t want to feel the guilt of not calling (we’ll talk about this one later in another blog post).

I think you get the idea. Now go out there, be yourself, bust-a-move, and make good choices.

 Of course, you don’t have to.

The Wisdom of Peas

Out of all the scary, creepy, spine-chilling, sweat-inducing, tear-causing, worrisome, phobiotic things that people are afraid of, what’s the number one answer people finally get down to when asked the simple question, “What are you really afraid of?”

Being alone. Seriously – that’s it.

Not the kind of being alone when everyone’s out of the house and you finally get to take a bath, read a trash-mag or watch The Price is Right while munching on Flaming Hot Cheetos and chocolate chips right out of the bag. More the kind of being alone like “nobody cares about me; nobody wants to be with me; I’m worthless; I’m damaged; I NEED someone to make me happy.”

Yikes. That’s the full-blown icky kind of being alone with lots of potential blog posts. Funny thing is some people can appear to the outside world – and even to themselves to have a lot of friends and family and be totally surrounded by those who care; yet, they still feel alone. Virtually imprisoned by their own thoughts about who they are and stories about what their life consists of, they stay in bad relationships, jobs, clubs and social circles for fear that things might even be worse if they leave; that they may actually end up “alone”. Basically, they are afraid of being with themselves. They are afraid of their own thoughts.

The adage “wherever you go – there you are” can be as frightening as seeing RED RUM painted across the living room wall. Being alone watching self-defeating thoughts sail by like the CNN news ticker hurts, and who wants that? Better to surround yourself with people and things that keep you busy, right? So what? that most of it feels empty and meaningless. So what? that you’ve developed a limp from carrying that huge chip on your shoulder seeing other people have what you want. At least you don’t have to go “there” to face the demons. At least it all keeps you from having to deal with the one person who controls it all…YOU.

Don’t get me wrong. Going there isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Some people have big, hairy things deep down inside. But you don’t have to start with the biggest, hairiest thing. You’ve probably done it on a smaller scale before. As a child, did you ever take a stand on a certain food you hated? (peas for example) Each time peas were put on your plate or even offered, you would defiantly announce “I HATE PEAS!!” and continue your refusal to ingest the green BB-like poison. That you hadn’t tasted peas in eons or maybe ever was never a thought to consider. You were content to hate peas because that’s what you trained your brain to do. Your brain was simply carrying out its instructions by causing you to blurt out your repugnance whenever you came within close proximity to peas. Hating peas was part of who you were; part of your story.

Let’s fast-forward to a more mature time; a time when you felt bold enough to venture into the world of peas. That first bite was a little shaky and your thoughts were all aflutter. Your knees were at-the-ready in case you should need to run to the bathroom to spit them out. What was going to happen? Nervousness and sweat may have ensued, but you took the chance. You bit down and chewed, and by-jinkies, you liked them! Now a new batch of thoughts filled your head! “Why did I say I hated peas? Why was I afraid to try them? They’re heavenly – not at all like the poison I’d imagined! Why did I wait so long when I could have been enjoying their deliciousness all this time? From this moment forward, I will eat peas with gusto and enjoy every tasty bite!

Yeah. It happens like that. You take a chance of changing the way you think about something and your world opens up to new and exciting things. Your brain has a new and better story to tell.

Are you ready to face a big, hairy monster? Or maybe start with a smaller, stinky dust-bunny? Just go “there”. Take a good look, clean up some of those unkind thoughts that you keep feeding yourself and replace them with the wisdom you took from the peas. What do you have to lose? You might be able to see things a different way, one bite at a time.

Pass the peas, please.

Step Up to the Plate

My son Blake played little league this spring; his first year in the minors which is kid-pitch instead of machine-pitch or coach-pitch. Things can get a little wild at times with 8 to 11-year olds winging the ball at the plate with the ambition of a big-leaguer but the accuracy of a blindfolded Isaac Newton. His at-bat season started strong with several 2-baggers and a home run. But as the games clicked on, his hitting clicked off. He agonized every time it was his turn to bat. Positive encouragement didn’t help. Extra batting practice and private coaching didn’t help. Neither did the new $100 bat. 

I finally asked him what he thought the problem was. He looked at me with that endearing10-year-old “duh, Mom…how could you not get this?” face.  “I’m afraid of the stupid ball, Mom. I don’t want to get hit!”

So there I was; needing to explain to him that sometimes worrying we are going to feel pain is worse than the actual pain itself. I mustered all my coaching tools, put on my best empathetic-mom face, looked him deep in the eye and delivered, “Blake, this is baseball. If you want to win the game, you have to step in close to the plate and swing. Be assured, at some point you WILL get hit with the ball. It’ll probably hurt for a few minutes. You might even cry. But once you get hit you’ll know what it feels like and you will live to tell about it. The next time you come to the plate, you’ll remember that you survived your last at-bat, and you’ll feel relieved and brave at the same time. Now, you decide if you’re ready to take the risk and step closer to the plate, maybe hit the ball out of the park and be a hero, or if you’d rather keep playing the what-if game in your head and never know how good it feels to break through the fear.”

Something must have clicked. At the next game he walked confidently into the box, glared at the pitcher, and swung hard one…two…three times. Crap. He looked at me and shrugged. Fortunately, he stepped into the box the next time with the same bravado and hit a whopping double that won the game. “I just quit worrying about getting hurt and played with everything I had.  It felt good!” He was ecstatic.  Score one for coach mom.

A couple of days later I met with a client who was paralyzed with fear that if he made the wrong decision about a possible life-changing situation he would suffer unbearable pain. Conversely, he could absolutely taste the freedom he so badly yearned for. He just couldn’t get past the fear that he might feel worse before he felt better. He was in agony.

Out of the blue, I was repeating my words. “John, life is like the game of baseball. If you want to win the game, you have to step up to the plate and swing. You ARE going to get hurt at some point, but you will survive….”

What game are you playing? I urge to you take the bat, step up to the plate and swing at whatever life has to throw at you. What do you have to lose? You might get hurt, but there’s no other way to improve your average.

Play ball!

Can Peace Be That Simple?

Seventeen years together – fifteen of them married; and not one fight. Impossible, you say? It’s true. There have been no harsh words, no fits of anger, no slamming doors or throwing dishes. No going home to mother, no silent treatment and no paybacks. Not once. Truly. Sounds like a marriage-made-in-heaven, doesn’t it?  Well, guess what…it is. My husband is the nicest man I’ve ever met and we’re highly compatible. It works great.

 So, when does the shoe drop? There has to be something! Okay – I’ll admit it.  We don’t agree on everything. However, we just don’t feel the need to convince the other that our own way is The Right Way. Can peace be that simple?  Obviously, yes.

I read a blog post  from a good friend and mentor of mine, Pam Slim. Her post focused mostly on sales and marketing programs, and described how uncomfortable it felt to be approached by a group selling a health and mental wellness regimen as The Way instead of A Way to get healthy. The approach left her with a strange and “off” feeling.

Pam’s blog post inspired the life skills lesson I recently taught my son’s 4^th grade class.  I asked a student to come to the board and show us the way to illustrate how three multiplied by six equals eighteen.  She took the marker and penned: 3×6=18.  I asked another to show us the way to tie his shoes; he did.  One student described the way to drink a soda, and yet another described the way to make a PB&J sandwich. All were correct. When I asked if any student could show us a different way to illustrate the equation, tie the shoes, describe drinking the soda and make a PB&J sandwich, four different students obliged with four different methods.  All were correct.

My challenge to them was to show me “The Way” to perform the task. Since both answers were correct, how could either be “The Way”? We concluded that each challenge had been answered with “A Way”.

 Although there may actually be only one way to do certain things, (none which come to mind right now), when we speak in terms of The Way, it often represents our ego state as in My Way or Our Way. “If you are a Republican, this is The Way you think” (Our Way). “If you are a Christian/Jew/Budhist/ Hindu etc., this is The Way to get to heaven” (Our Way). Hitler based his master-race on The Way people should look; blue-eyed and light-haired (His Way).

 My clients often come to me with frustrating scenarios involving other people, telling me things like the other person “just doesn’t act The Way he’s supposed to!” They are convinced that their way is The Way to do something, think about something, or feel about something and they can’t figure out why everybody else doesn’t know it. I remind them of these things:

1.  Everyone has a brain and an ego, so everybody has a My Way. You didn’t corner the market on it. The fact that we all have a My Way is proof that each My Way is actually just A Way. Diversity at it’s best.
2. You don’t have any control over anybody else’s My Way. You might think you do, but your thoughts are yours alone, and so are theirs.
3. Fighting over an idea that is merely a thought or belief you may or may not share with others still does not absolutely prove that Your Way is The Way. It just proves that you are not willing to let go of a thought long enough to take a look at another way.

 The Way versus A Way is where arguments start, lines are drawn, religions are conceived and wars perpetuate.

 So, what are your options if you want to feel less frustrated? Before you open your mouth and fire-off a round or twenty:

1.  Take a look at your thought or belief. Ask yourself if it is absolutely the only way to think, feel or act, or if in fact there are different ways others could interpret it.
2. Ask yourself why it’s so important to you that others see it Your Way. Do you have a hidden agenda?  Are you trying to prove your intelligence, establish control, or demonstrate your power? Or maybe you’re afraid that others will see you as weak or having failed if you don’t stand up for Your Way?
3. Examine it even deeper and determine if the thought or belief is something you actually believe or if it’s just something you’ve been programmed to believe through outside sources. Sometimes we defend our beliefs just because we’ve been taught to, or because that’s the way we’ve always done it before.

 What do you do with all this newfound information? Relax. Breathe. Allow yourself to be human. Be open to the possibility that just because you disagree, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong – or that anybody else is either. Then marvel at the growth you’ve just experienced, and the simplicity of peace.

Personal Economic Forecast: Richer than Ever!

Personal Economic Forecast:  Richer than Ever

 A mortgage-broker friend called me today, despairingly.  “I know you don’t read the newspapers or watch TV or anything, but did you hear what’s happening out there?!”  My first thoughts were “Something’s on fire?  George Clooney is getting married?  They’re going to stop making orange juice?”  Remembering her livelihood is deeply entrenched in the state of today’s economic forecast, I simply answered “No.  What’s happening?” 

I don’t read the newspaper (with the exception of my daily horoscope, weather and the sports page).  I don’t watch the local news, CNN or FOX.  I don’t look at my stocks or my retirement fund.  I don’t know the current value of our home right now or the price of gas until I pull my car up to the pump.  I do use coupons at the grocery story, but then again; I always have. (Hey – I’m all about free money!) 

Apparently, my outlook and attitude are driving my friends crazy.  They don’t understand me and downright implore “Why isn’t this poor economy thing affecting you?  Why aren’t you running around gathering acorns and covering your head like everybody else?”   It’s simple.  I am not Chicken Little, and the sky is not falling. 

I thought the sky was falling a couple of years ago.  I was working like a mad-woman at a highly stressful 10-hour-a-day-job that I absolutely hated, all the while being a wife and mother, running a home business with over 100 clients, helping care for my dying father- in-law, and trying to maintain a household, a social life, and a healthy body.  My day-job paid very well, offered great benefits, a retirement plan, healthcare; the whole ball of wax.  The economy was booming and I was trying desperately to keep up with its run-away-train pace and my self-induced obligations.  Sharp slivers of sky were falling, piercing my heart and brain every day; yet I continued like a rabid gerbil on a flaming wire wheel.  Finally, the slivers became sharp enough to grab my attention and I figured out that a smoldering rodent would never be able to catch a speeding locomotive.  Enough was enough.  I left the corporate world cold-turkey, gave up my home business and pursued a career as a life coach; the work I knew I was meant to do.  This, of course, immediately ended the consistent money flow and benefits.  It was a major change in my personal economy.    

It was also a major positive change in my quality of life.  Our house became more than a place to sleep.  I actually began to see my kids as people, not just bodies in car seats being toted from one “must do” event to another.  My husband had interesting things to say now that I was listening.  Most of all, I allowed myself to be the great person I really am.  My sky miraculously returned to blue and sunny. 

Yes, my economy changed a couple of years ago, but by choice.  Quitting my high-paying, benefit-full job meant there would be a lot less “things” in my family’s lives for a while, and it was a difficult decision to make.  Yet I knew if I kept up the high-speed pace just to sustain the flow of “things” into our lives, I would most certainly lose me before the end of the race; a price I was not willing to pay.

Do I have less money now?  YOU BETCHA!!!  It’s truly a temporary state as I become more financially successful every day.  My future looks great because I took a risk and invested well in my “take-stock” fund.  I’ve made huge deposits of self-love and emotional wellness that I will draw on for the rest of my life; something that can never be foreclosed on or be left uninsured.  My friends don’t realize how rich I really am. 

I invite you to take your inventory.  If it feels like the sky is falling, it just may be time to change your personal forecast.  If anything is “worth it”, you are.